Male Refrigerator Blindness

One day when John and I were dating, we were hanging out at his house and I was a little hungry. Later, I realized:

A.   Male Refrigerator Blindness is real

B.   Geeks are not immune to this 

C.   Yes, this is sexist




John, I’m hungry - got anything to eat in your fridge?

I don't know - you want me to look?

Uh huh.

SILENCE

Hey, can you look at this?

Look at what?

I had some lettuce in here, but I can’t find it now.

Did you eat it?

I don’t think so.

Maybe somebody else ate it?

Who would eat lettuce?

Lots of people eat lettuce.

You think they’d go for the chocolate milk first.

You have chocolate milk?

No.

Oh.

I think the lettuce has changed.

Changed?

Yeah, it got smaller.

What do you mean?

It’s taking up less space now.

Less space?

Yeah, come look.

PAUSE

OK, What do you have in here?

I have some corn.

Eww, this isn’t good anymore, bring me the trash.

What about these onions?

God! They’re dripping! Get the trash!

These apples are wrinkled; do you think they’re still good?

Those are NOT apples.

Yes, they are.

Never mind. Do you have any gloves?

For what?

I’m not touching this stuff.

Here! Carrots!

That looks like a bag of hair.

It's a few roots, they just get scraped off, right? 

Are you kidding?

Did you find the lettuce?

No, just this bag of…gross.

What – it shrunk, didn’t it?

No, it liquefied.

Didn’t I tell you it changed? Should we throw it out?

We?

Well, you’re holding it.

Was this just a ploy to get me to clean your fridge?

I’ll be glad when we’re married.

I’ll bet you will.

A Gift For You

A few weeks back, John came home with a huge pile of books. This is what happened next.

“I got you some treats!”

“Really?”

“Yep, you’re really gonna like them.”

 “I will?”

“You’ll see.”

“All right.”

“Take a look.”

“All these books?”

“Yes, I got them for you.”

“Really, for me?”

“Every last one.”

“Thanks, that’s really nice.”

“First, there’s The Zeppelin In Combat.’  You’re gonna enjoy it.”

“I am?”

“Uh huh, and here’s The Big Red Train,’ about the Trans-Siberian Railway.”

“The Trans-Siberian Railway?”

“Yep – Secret Firearms, An Illustrated History Of Miniature And Concealed Handguns.”

“Oh.”

‘Hull Down,’ about the White Star Line transport service during the war.”

“I’m seeing a war theme here.”

“No, not really.”

“Seems like it.”

“Just wait…ok, A Complete History of Lives And Robberies of the Most Notorious Highwaymen.”

“No war theme after all.”

“I told you that.”

“What’s next?”

“This is a really good one: A Complete History Of The Most Eminent Cheats And Scoundrels Of Both Sexes.”

“Both sexes?”

“That’s right, both. These are not sexist books.”

“I see. John, I think these are really books for you.”

“They are not.”

“Seriously?”

“Shouldn’t you just say thank you?”

“OK, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Mind if I take this one?”

It's Not A Meal If...

Many of you know that John’s a self-described "world-class-champion-eater." How does he do it? Yesterday we met up for lunch, and I learned that the first order of business is the right definition of ‘meal.'

Did you eat anything yet?

Not really.

Nothing?

Just some bread.

Plain bread?

Well, and some ham.

Like a sandwich?

Maybe.

Anything else on it?

Not really.

No cheese?

Maybe a little.

Some lettuce?

Yeah, isn’t that healthy?

Any tomato?

No, not any tomato.

Did you have some chips?

No, I didn’t.

That’s good.

Pause

What about fries?

Just a few.

Like an order of fries?

I guess so.

So basically, you had lunch, right?

No. I didn’t have any dessert.

 To be fair, when we got to the restaurant he only ordered a pastry, because he does follow his own rules.

Eaten By A Bear

THAT WAS DELICIOUS!

After one of John's speaking events, a kid (probably seven or eight years old) went up to him and said,  "When I grow up, I'm going to just as big and fat as you!" Without missing a beat, John shot back,"No you won't, because YOU are going to be eaten by a bear!"